For as long as I can remember, I’ve always been the kind of person to take on other people’s opinions of myself. I’m a bit of a sponge to those around me, which has always been my downfall. I’m not sure why I am so open to instantly take on beliefs of family, friends, acquaintances and complete strangers but if I hear something, I seem to take it on as the truth.
That being said, I don’t seem to do this with positive opinions, only the bad ones; which says a lot about me.
When I was younger my entire existence was based on the opinions of others, and they became the foundation of my adulthood too. As well as being a sponge, I’ve always had a sharp tongue, (a trait I think I inherited from my fathers side of the family) and so even though it may have seemed to those around me that I wasn’t a sponge, I was.
A sponge with a sharp tongue, now that’s a strange visual.
Last year I gave up dying my hair and decided to begin letting my blonde hair grow out again, which is something I’ve not seen since I first dyed my hair black when I was sixteen. (A whole twelve years ago!) I dyed my hair because I was told it was ugly and it should be changed. It’s only since I’ve started growing my hair out and noticing all the compliments I’ve had, that I’ve realised – people can be wrong.
In fact, people for the most part usually are wrong. But even though I know this, and I see when people are wrong, I still manage to slip into my old ways and let it drag me down.
Within minutes I manage to go from “I know they’re talking rubbish” to “Oh god, they must be right!” and the change I feel in myself in terrifying. This strange version of me takes over, a version where I need constant validation to feel okay, and while we all need validation sometimes, it’s not something to base your being on.
This is something I’ve been struggling with again recently, in particular, while at work. Trying new things and learning is something I’ve always enjoyed, and so now I’m not at university anymore, work is where I’m trying to learn. As much as I am enjoying learning other things, I’m being met with negativity, masked as reassurance, which often catches me off guard. “Learning will be helpful for finding a new job.” I never said I wanted a new job, and so my mind starts to spin:
‘I’m terrible at my job, I should leave’
‘I don’t know what I’m doing.’
‘I’m stupid.’
‘Why do I bother?’
‘They’re totally right; I should look for a new job.’
I’ll be honest with you, when this happened, I let my mind run away with itself for a few hours. I was telling myself over and over how useless I am, but then a switch was flicked, and I realised that, none of this was what that person said, and more importantly, that’s not who I am.
I’m good at my job, I work hard, and I try my best in everything I do. One day I will get a new job, but I’m not going to leave right now because someone told me it would be a good idea! It seems bizarre to see that written down because that’s how my mind works. “…find a new job.” Turns into “I have to leave. They think I should leave.”
It’s so easy for me to think this way, (Gee, I’ve been doing it for twenty eight years!) but I’m trying so hard to retrain my brain think more helpfully toward myself.
Something my therapists have often told me is to look for the evidence, and usually there isn’t any, and I can squeeze the opinions from the sponge and get on with my day.
Opinions flow like water, everyone has them, but we’re in charge of whether we soak them up or not. We’re not going to dunk a sponge into dirty water to clean ourselves, so why should we do that emotionally?
We shouldn’t.
Us spongey folk deserve the nicest water and the nicest words, especially from ourselves.
Gwen Richards 