I’m exactly where I said I wouldn’t be. Where, you ask? Well, here, on my blog.
I planned to take a week off, get away from social media and writing for a week. I even spent an evening on Canva creating an Instagram post saying I would be gone for the week as of today; and yet here I am.
I thought I’d give myself the space to breathe this week, to experience and just to be, but in reality they’re actually the last things I want to do right now.
This week is the one year anniversary of the worse week of my life; losing my baby girl.
I just feel like a giant question mark with legs about this week. What am I supposed to do? It’s the first time I’ve ever experienced this anniversary and there just feels like such pressure on my shoulders to do ‘the right’ thing.
Do we buy her a present? Do we buy her a birthday card? Do we do something with family? Do we do something just the two of us? I don’t know, and I really wish I did.
So far, the only plan I’ve come up with is to have a day out on her birthday, something for us. Which feels selfish, but I think we need something to enjoy; I really don’t want to sit indoors and think about last year, think about the pain we felt, and think about what we don’t have; I’ve done that every day for the last year – it would be nice to have a break from that feeling, even if just for a couple of hours.
My counsellor suggested letting off a balloon for her or naming a star or rose after her, but I saw a Facebook post about a horse that nearly died from eating a balloon with a note to a loved one attached, I never look at the stars and I have a habit of killing plants (Apart from Peter the spider plant, he’s doing well!) So, you can see why I feel a bit hopeless.
I suppose there really isn’t a set thing to do, and everyone is different, but I wish there was someone to tell me ‘Yes, do this, this will make you feel better.’, it would make it a lot easier
All I’ve been doing is living with my head in the clouds recently. From watching the Euros, doing over time at work, writing in a new fictional world, reading a new book, and listening to Pale Waves’ Who am I? album on repeat – it’s all been keeping my mind away from life, but now life is smacking me in the face with this anniversary.
I keep telling myself to experience it; feel it and it will get better, but do I have to? I have the rest of my life to keep grieving and ‘feeling’ it, can’t I just have a break instead? I’m tired of feeling.
I don’t need one date on the calendar to think about her, I think about her every single day. I’m not going to benefit from having another day solely dedicated to saddness, but I am going to benefit from a day off, which is why I think a day out is the best idea for us.
Something for us.
Something to take our minds away.
Something to enjoy.
Like a plaster to cover the wound for a day.
…one plaster a year is okay, right?
Gwen Richards 