“How am I going to get my plants to the car without looking like an idiot that’s being viciously attacked by two plants?” I always worry about the silliest of things. I had fallen in love with a faux cheese plant at work, but they were far too expensive and I couldn’t justify buying one, not even as a treat. So, when I saw one waiting to go in the bin because of its broken pot, I decided I needed to ask if I could give it a new home.
“It’s okay, I’ll just carry them to my locker with me. But what if I drop them and I break them even more? I’ll be sad and everyone will look at me.” I asked my manager and she told me if put some money in the charity pot, I could have the cheese plant I had fallen in love with and a faux fern with the same destiny. I jumped at the chance and quickly emptied my purse into the charity tub and I felt happy for a moment; I finally have my cheese plant! But then came the negative chit-chat in my mind, telling me to worry about getting them out of the place.
“What if someone thinks I’ve stolen them? I’ll have to tell someone I haven’t. But what if that makes it seem like I have stolen them? But why would anyone nick two plants with broken pots!” I decided the best idea was to get a trolley and take the plants to my car, put them safely in the boot and then come back in for my shopping.
Sounds easy, right?
For anyone normal, yes. But me? Not so much.
Now my plants were safe in my car and the people at self-scan knew I hadn’t stolen them, I set to my next task: doing the shopping.
“There’s no tomatoes, how embarrassing, I’m looking for something that’s not even there. I look like I’m just wandering the fruit and veg aisle for the fun of it! Uh no, there’s someone working on this aisle, what if they judge me on how many packets of noodles I pick up? I don’t want them to think I’m some kind of crazy, noddle addict!”
After a record shopping time of twenty minutes, I scurried across the car park, put my shopping in the boot of my car and ran, in the rain, to put my trolley back. Jumping in my car and locking the door with my elbow, you would imagine this would be the time to take a breath and relax, the chaos of shopping is over? Not exactly.
“Flippin’ heck, look at the time! I’d best not waste time putting on the radio, I don’t have time to sort that out now!” I quickly sanitised my hands and threw my phone in my handbag and put it in the passenger side footwell. “…but I want to listen to music.” I innocently challenged myself.
It was at this moment I realised I may very well be losing my marbles.
I took a moment to sit back in my seat, still rubbing the last of my sanitiser into my hands (Garnier hand gel is the worst!) and told myself “You’re not on a timer, relax! Listen to music! The only place you need to be is home, and no one minds what time you turn up.” I took a deep breath and calmly slid the front of my radio into the slot, connected my phone and scrolled to find the Ice Nine Kills song I’m currently obsessed with (‘Hip To Be Scared’ if you’re interested), and began my, now relaxed, drive home.
For as long as I can remember I’ve had negative chit-chat in my mind, but it’s not very often I acknowledge it anymore. When I was a young teen I struggled with social anxiety, and the negative chit-chat stopped me from living my life. I learned over time to live my life despite having these thoughts and so I’ve learnt to ignore them. However what surprised me that night after work was just how much of an impact they still have on me, even if only in little ways.
I am able to do things that would have scared me in the past, but the fact I’m bullied by my own mind into buying less packets of noodles than I need, and to not listen to music on my drive home from work, proves that the anxiety is still very much alive, and makes daily life exhausting at times.
Many people, I dare say, would not have had a single thought the same as mine that night. They would have simply taken their plants to their car and got their shopping without a worry, and that’s hard for me to imagine.
I am very hard on myself, (if you hadn’t noticed) and I think this is the wake up call I needed to begin challenging them thoughts and feelings. I want to work on giving myself the time I need, taking a deep breath when I need it and not allowing the potential judgement of others to hold me back.
I think wanting to make sure no one thought I had stolen the plants was important, and I understand why I wanted to get home from work quickly. But what I don’t think was important was the judgment I gave myself and denying myself my musical self-care on the way home.
It’s time to try being nice to myself for a change, and to start shutting down the negative chit-chat. It’s not enough to simply live life with it playing in the background anymore, it’s time to turn the volume down.
Gwen Richards 