Over the last week I’ve felt like a different person, like a switch has been flicked and I’ve been able to do things, go places and enjoy life. I’ve felt happy.
Now, I know all of us here know I’m depressed. I near enough write about it every week! (And yet you keep coming back to read about it?!) I thought my depression was something that came and went from time to time. I’d get times where I’d be drowning, and other times when I felt fine again. However, everything I thought I knew has been flung out the window, because I just found out that my depression never took breaks, it was actually there all the time; I just had no idea.
I didn’t know something in my own mind, how could that be? How could I not know what I’m feeling? Well, I think my problem was feeling that way had become my normal; my default setting had been turned to depression and I was none-the-wiser.
Recently I’ve been fairly concerned about my physical health, as I’ve been experiencing a lot of pain. Pain that was out of the ordinary for me; pins and needles in my bones and joints, I’ve been going to work and feeling crippled after an hour or so. I’ve only been able to get through my days by tricking myself into thinking I can go home early! “Just see how I am in an hour, and I might go home…” until the full nine hours were over, and I could actually go home. I had to get a bath every night because it was the only way to stop my body from hurting before bed, because pain killers didn’t touch what I was feeling.
Mentally and physically, I’ve been dragging myself through days as if I’m trying to walk up a hill, carrying a hippopotamus on my shoulders! Nothing felt good, things that were a slight inconvenience felt like the worst thing to ever happen to me, and time felt like it was at a standstill.
As we all do, I took to Google and typed in all of my symptoms. It kept coming up with things like fibromyalgia and arthritis, which are things I considered, and I did further research on. But what else kept coming up? Depression. And what did I keep scrolling past, and thinking “Nah, it can’t be that! I’ve never been in physical pain from that before.”? Yup, you got it: depression.
On Sunday 5th September, I spent most of my day at work crying. My body hurt, I was exhausted in every way, and I was struggling with everything. I came home early, ran a bath and generally moped around for the rest of the day. “What’s wrong with me? When will I feel better?”
And then on Monday 6th September I saw McFly.
Now listen, my blog isn’t going to become a weekly post of adoration for McFly, and after last week’s post, I didn’t expect to write about them again (Sorry McFly), but I had no idea what a difference being reunited with live music would make in my life.
Throughout the pandemic I knew I needed to go to a gig, I felt it in my bones. I needed to be a nobody, in a room of strangers and leave my problems outside, instead of carrying them around 24/7. I needed that break from being me, and to just be a face in a crowd and a voice in a chorus of thousands.
Despite knowing I needed it, I failed to comprehend just what a difference it would make.
After seeing McFly I’ve felt like a different person, a version of myself I forgot even existed. I’ve been reunited with myself, a version who has colour in her life (And maybe 5 Colours In Her Hair), and isn’t dragging her feet and wallowing in grief and sadness. I’ve been flying through my days at work (with minimal tricking myself into thinking I can go home early), I’ve been chatting to people, smiling without forcing it and most shockingly, I haven’t been in crippling pain every day.
I mean, my leg kind of hurt for a couple of days after the gig as I definitely pulled a muscle dancing to ‘Shine a Light’, but other than that I have been pain free. I’ve been able to come home and get a shower instead of a bath, and I can move my body without wanting to cry, or as if my bones are being zapped with tiny electric shocks.
Since seeing McFly I’ve been listening to them every day, and naturally I’ve had some McBusted, Busted thrown into the mix for good measure. I’m not sure if the music is simply sucking me back to an time when life was easier, or if it’s making the ‘now’ a tad easier… or maybe it’s a lovely mix of the two.
McFly and Busted have always been my comfort blanket of music, after loving Busted since I was ten, and twelve for McFly; I don’t really remember life before them! They’ve seen me through all my trials and tribulations and at the age of twenty-nine, they’re very clearly still doing it to this day. Despite my age, I’m still able to get that sense of being a carefree 12 year old when I listen to them, and that’s the spirit I need to hang on to right now.
Over time I know this feeling will wear off, but now I’m able to go to gigs frequently again, I’m hoping I can keep my happiness topped up enough to continue to feel human. And hey, maybe I’ll make a happiness playlist on Spotify for all my favourite McFly, Busted and McBusted songs, to help me remember this feeling more often.
In the words of McFly themselves, ‘If this is happiness, I don’t mind having this’. It’s been a long time since I felt this way, but I’m hoping it will stay for little a while longer.
(Thank you McFly)
Gwen Richards 