Be Who You Need

“Be the person you needed when you were younger.”

It’s a powerful quote I see float around on the internet quite often; a quote I once found empowering. A quote that, at one time, fit in my soul like a perfectly measured puzzle piece. But as they do, my life and soul have changed shape over the years, and that quote no longer has a place in me – if anything, it feels uncomfortable to look at now.

See, I always read it as ‘If I can be the help I needed, help someone like my past self, it will help to fix me. I will feel better.’ Fixing myself while fixing others? Isn’t that a great plan!

I based a large chunk of my adulthood on this. I wanted to be a school counsellor to fix the part of me that needed help in school. I stayed in relationships and friendships far longer than I should because I needed someone to be there for me, so I was there for them. I never felt as if I had anyone looking out for me, and so I’ve spent most of my life looking out for others and speaking up for them in a way I wished someone had spoken up for me. “Be who you needed…” right? But what about being who you need right now? 

I think some of us (myself very much included) sometimes become focused on the past, and sometimes future, versions of themselves. It was only today I moved a box in my office and out fell an envelope addressed to me, from me, with ‘Open on 21/11/21’ scrawled on it. A letter I wrote to my ‘future self’ last year. Even though I’m looking forward to reading it, I think it proves a point – I am constantly thinking about versions of myself in other times and neglecting the me I’m sitting with right now.

(I know, it all sounds a bit bizarre – but you should know me by now!)

Thinking about my past self often gives me the strength to do things, and it can even make me that bit more grateful for the things I do have. I imagine telling her about things and what her reaction would be, but the point I miss is that I don’t have to imagine telling her: I am her!

I feel as if I have three separate versions of myself and they all do different things for one another, but in the moment, no one thinks about themselves, and to put it politely – I’m over it!

It doesn’t matter what I wanted in the past, or if my life wasn’t as I wanted it, it’s in the past and it cannot be changed; no matter what I do! I could study, and help people, I can give my time to people in a way I wish they would give time to me, but it makes no difference at all to my past, and I can’t help but think: if it doesn’t help present me and if I don’t benefit from it, then why should I do it at all?

My future self on the other hand – I put a lot of expectations on her shoulders. Expectations and weight that I could never hold up right now! I expect her to work a lot, have a published book or two (or four if I’m totally honest!), to have children and a husband, and a perfect home life. But in my present life isn’t that way at all; if I work too much I push myself to burn out (which is very easy to do when you don’t have much to give in the first place), I barely have the time to scribble down an idea for a blog post every week and write it, never mind write and edit my stories or send things away to publishers or agents! And as for a perfect household, I know nothing of such exists!

I’m beginning to see that I wrap my past self up in cotton wool, and live my life hoping she’s happy, and I can’t help but think if I did less for the version of me who is gone, and more for myself now, then maybe I could get to be the version of myself I want in the future.

Maybe if I’m fairer on myself now, then I can give my future self a chance, and take some of the expectations and judgement off her shoulders. If I make the time to do whatever me right now needs (Even if that is just making sure I watch The Great British Bake Off every week) I feel as if when I am future me, I won’t look back and feel sorrow for a version of me that never reached he full potential; I’ll instead look back and know that who I needed in that moment, was exactly who I was.

Because from now on, that’s all I aspire to be anymore: who I need right now. Sod me in the past, she had her time! I want to live life for me.

…and about time too!