I am most certainly an all in kind of person. I have always been more selfless than selfish. You need some company? I’m there, even if I’m miles away. Need an arm or a leg? Which one? I’ve got two of each!
Being all in is a big part of my personality and I am this way in all my relationships: my friendships, my family relationships, and my romantic relationships. Growing up I watched both my Mam and my Pop act this way. Both give and gave their entire life to their loved ones and I’ve always idolised them both, which meant I’ve copied their behaviour as I’ve grown up; but at the grand age of 29, I’m starting to realise that this way of living isn’t serving me very well.
I’m all in with everyone else, but I’m never all in with myself, and I think that’s where I’m going wrong. I guilt-trip myself over everything I need or want. I tell myself I don’t need it, then if I actually give in and allow myself what-ever-it-is, then I’ll feel bad for doing so and take away any enjoyment I should get from it.
The only area of my life where I have boundaries and where I am the opposite of all in is when I am at work. Want my extra time? Nope, that’s mine. A customer asks me for something in a rude way? Sorry, we don’t have what you’re asking for. A manager telling me to do five things at once? No, I’ll do one thing at a time. I’m not sure why I can’t be that way in my personal life too.
Being this way serves me well at work, and I dare say it would serve me outside of work too! I know who I am at work, what I want, and what I don’t want, and I stick to them things. If someone asks something of me that I don’t want to do or cannot do, I won’t do it – but in my personal life, if I’m asked to do something I don’t want to do, or cannot do, I’ll do it and feel very angry about it while doing it!
Now listen, this isn’t to say that I don’t sometimes do this at work too, of course I do. Most days I do three people’s jobs and worry about things I shouldn’t be worried about, so I know I’m not perfect, however, I am able to say ‘no’ and mean it more often when at work.
As I write this I can’t understand why I am this way, and why I am different in my personal life from what I am in my working life, however, I know I need to find a way to take my work-way of thinking and trace it into my personal life too.
Being all in rarely brings me happiness, it brings me more bitterness than anything. I end up resenting people around me because they don’t provide me with the same amount of all in as I provide them with. Really, I should respect their boundaries and appreciate what they offer me, even if it is less than I offer them.
It’s exhausting giving my entire being to everyone else at all times, I know it’s not natural, and I’m realising now that I need to change. Instead of being all in, I need to be maybe 90% in, or 80% instead. If something gives me feel that uncomfortable feeling in my stomach, or if I think ‘Well, I don’t really want to do that.’ I need to start listening to them feelings.
I tell people around me quite often that it’s okay to let others down sometimes, you need time for yourself and do what makes you happy – but then I fall short of what I need… I need to start taking my own advice!
It’s okay to say no; in fact, it’s essential to say no sometimes. After all these years of bending over backward for everyone, and giving my life to those around me, I think it’s about time I say no sometimes and live my life for me.
It’s going to feel uncomfortable for both myself and those around me when I begin implementing my boundaries, because I know people will push them, and I’m going to want to let them, but I can’t keep living this way.
Something needs to change, and that something is me.
Gwen Richards 