A friend once told me, “He was just a chapter, not your whole book.” after a relationship I was in had ended. It’s a sentence that has stuck in my mind for many years, and when things come and go, I often find myself thinking about it and just how true it is.
Ironically, the friend that gave me that advice turned out to be a chapter too. She was a part of a lot of chapters in my life’s book, but it just goes to show that even the things in our lives we think are permanent, sometimes still have an end to their chapter after all.
I’ve had many chapters in my life, well, actually, if I think about it maybe I’ve had around six or seven in my nearly thirty years on this planet, which actually doesn’t seem that many! Each chapter is defined by its own time, music, friends, places, boyfriends or guys I had a crush on, clothing, makeup and hairstyles – they all belong to a chapter in my life.
When reading a good book you get consumed by the story and forget there are even small pauses between the chapters, but at the end of each chapter there is a blank space on the page where the words weren’t enough to reach the bottom – and I can’t help but think there’s a small, blank part in life before each new chapter too; I just never noticed until now.
I think I’ve been living in my blank space for a little while now, longer than I have ever done before, which, I dare say, is while I’ve failed to notice it all the other times before.
Slowly over time, the next chapter of my life has been piecing itself together: leaving behind the idea of becoming a counsellor, focusing on writing, attending regular therapy, and dying my hair blonde – it’s all parts of the jigsaw puzzle that make up the start of the next chapter.
Since moving back home to my Mam’s house and out of the house I once shared with my, now ex, fiancé, there are even more puzzle parts slotting into place. The fresh paint on my bedroom walls, the new eye shadow palette shades on my eyelids, and the new perfume I spray on my wrists and neck every day; they’re all a part of the new me, and I’m enjoying getting to know who I am this time around.
That’s not to say I’m not excited for my next chapter to begin. Much like reading a good book, I’m looking forward to turning the page and starting that next part – despite still feeling slightly drained from the chapter just gone. (We’ve all read books like that, right?!) However, it feels as if the pages are stuck together right now and I can’t quite grasp the edge of the paper to turn over and take a look.
For my pages to become unstuck I need to savour the good parts from my last chapters and learn to enjoy this blank part; I’m not going to get another blank part for another while again after this, so I need to bask in the stillness for a little while.
How will I know when my blank space is over, and the new chapter begins? I guess when all of my belongings are under the same roof, when my old home is sold and when I don’t need to listen to Little Mix daily to give me an emotional kick-up-the-bum! When the new parts, or polished old parts, of me are all in place and I feel as if I am finally emotionally recharged.
But until then, I’m alright in my blank space for a while, it’s pretty peaceful and fun being here!
Gwen Richards 