I awoke the morning of 24th January 2020 from a near sleepless night. Every dream I had was that I had slept in, and each dream more believable than the last. I had two plans that morning: head to a nearby town to meet my friends for a coffee, and the other was to buy tickets. I bet you can’t guess which plan I was having nightmares about?
Applying my makeup, I felt sick with anxiety, knowing that between then and seeing my friends, there was a great hurdle for me to jump over, as that day was the day My Chemical Romance released tickets for, what was meant to be, a one off show in Milton Keynes.
I had prepared for this day since My Chemical Romance announced their reunion on Halloween the year prior. I had worked extra hours to ensure I’d have enough money to buy the tickets I so desperately needed. With my laptop set up in front of me, with a phone either side, all on Ticketmaster’s website: I was ready.
Ticketmaster had rarely been my friend in the past, so when 9:30am struck, I refreshed all my pages hoping for the best, but expecting the worst.
I was in a queue.
Tickets flashed up on my screen. I didn’t check where they were; it didn’t matter.
I held my breath while I typed in my details, not letting myself get excited; there was still time for it all to go wrong.
The page loaded.
‘You’re in! You’re going to see My Chemical Romance’ appeared on my screen.
“I’VE GOT THE TICKETS!” I screamed, while tears rolled down my face. I ran around the house screaming like an excited child. My cat had no idea what was happening and ran upstairs to hide, while I’m certain my neighbours pressed their ears to the wall, to ensure no suspected murder was happening.
With tears still down my face, I grabbed my handbag, car keys and a My Chemical Romance CD to play in the car, and I headed out to go meet my friends. I opened my front door and fell out of it – the use of my legs had gone! I suppose the part of my brain that controls the legs, was now replaced with the thought of seeing My Chemical Romance once again.
After a few deep breaths, I set off to see my friends. Approaching the town, I had to stop for a passing train. Usually something like this would annoy me, “I’m going to be late! Why does the train always come when I’m coming through?!” Is what I would usually think, but I was already late, and why? Because I had MCR tickets, and that was enough for me to stop be caring all together.
It was an oddly warm January day, and so my windows were wound down, and I turned up my already loud music, and blasted Welcome To The Black Parade as loudly as my ears could handle. I imagined everyone around me would hear the song and instantly know I had the tickets, but in reality, I know I was just an annoying woman who’s music was far too loud; but I enjoyed thinking the first option was true.
Two months later, the UK went into lockdown.
2020 was a terrible year for most, and for me, I think it was the worst year of my life. A year filled with heartbreak and betrayal, grief and loss of all kinds; both my life and mind very dark.
I knew one day, things would get better, one day all this pain would be over, and life wouldn’t seem as bad anymore. I needed one day to hang on to, one day to reach out and hold on to, while time dragged me through the trauma and took me to that day.
That day was 21st May 2022.
Milton Keynes is a three and a half hour drive from where I live. I was dressed up in my finest emo-get-up from early in the morning, to get the coach that was going to take us to the stadium to see My Chemical Romance.
In honesty, my emo-get-up was actually not the finest it’s ever been; I couldn’t wear my boots because it was too long of a journey to wear uncomfortable footwear (Yes, I’m at that age now where comfort is more important that looks!), my hair is now blonde, which is an instant emo faux-pas. I was, however, wearing an MCR t-shirt, thanks to my boyfriend! My old merch is either lost or no longer fits me, as I once used to buy womens fit t-shirts (Who willingly does that!?)
I knew I was on a coach to Milton Keynes. I knew I was going to the stadium to see My Chemical Romance. But none of it felt real until I entered the stadium, clutching a tour tshirt in one hand, and my ticket in the other; I was finally here!
I felt like I was home, surrounded by people like myself. Listening to music, and all clapping when Enter Shikari’s Sorry Youre Not a Winner played over the speakers; I’d forgotten what it felt like to be at an My Chemical Romance show. The comfort, the happiness, the feeling that you and everyone around you can be unapologetically themselves – I had missed this feeling.
If you’ve read my past post ‘It will never be so long or goodnight’ you will know how important the song Famous Last Words is to me (click the link to read). I knew they would be playing this song, I had saw videos of them playing it online, videos that made me so emotional that my eyes leaked, and so I thought it was certain I was going to cry when they played it – but I didn’t.
Instead, I stood with the biggest smile on my face, singing the words that I have tattooed on my arm. I felt the song in my chest; this was the moment I had clung on to for the last two years. My life jacket, my anti-depressant, my lighthouse that guided me out of danger and got me home safe – this was it.
I was right, back in 2020, I had faith that when this day came, things would be better, and the pain I felt would be a memory. I was so right.
I closed my eyes while myself and thousands of other fans sang along to the final chorus of Famous Last Words, and thought about how lucky I am to be here, not only at the gig, but in the moment I had held to for so long.
The pain is over and the trauma is a memory, I am exactly where I wanted and longed to be in life; happy and free.
It’s strange to think about really. I’ve listened to My Chemical Romance since I was twelve years old, and in every bad part of my life they’ve been there like the scaffolding of my life; they hold me together when I’m about to fall apart. When times get hard, I’m still that little girl, laid on her bed, taking refuge in their music, and I always will be.
Gwen Richards 