Feeling is Healing

I’ve written many blog posts that haven’t made it to the Internet. Infact, I have a folder bursting with them on my phone! I forget I’ve even written most of them as I’ve once deemed them not good enough, and I only rediscover them when I get bored and scroll through my notes app.

One I never managed to quite forget was one titled Feeling is healing, which I wrote at the beginning of the year about adapting to a healty relationship after being in a not-so-healthy-one:

‘Once you let the wrong people go, it’s easier to see who’s right, and finding someone right feels like not only one jigsaw piece fitting in, but instead the entire picture falling into place in one go. Like every piece you pick up slots perfectly into the last.

I’m beginning to learn that love shouldn’t feel scary. It should feel slightly nerve-wracking – those ‘should I send that text’ or ‘I hope we have plenty to talk about’ worries, but it shouldn’t feel like diving into the unknown, it should feel like diving into comfort. Less like jumping off a cliff with a blindfold on, and more like willingly jumping onto the most marshmallow like pile of cushions you’ve ever felt.

Feeling was once the fear, but feeling becomes the dream, and feeling becomes healing.’

It’s funny really, because the pile of marshmallow cushions I emotionally fell in to with a smile on my face, ended up holding me while I ugly cried about that relationship coming to an end.

When I thought about that blog post, at first I felt stupid – feeling is healing, what an idiot! – but in hindsight, despite ending up with a broken heart, I was still able to heal a large part of my previous trauma because despite the pain, I discovered that I can trust once again.

Trust has always been an issue for me. Never quite knowing people’s intentions, having friends that have turned on me, and boyfriends that have cheat and hurt me. Trust is hard for me, and after my most recent serious relationship, I was worried I would never trust again.

Yet there I was: trusting someone new.

It took a while but it ended up being easier than I thought, maybe because they were, at the time, the right person to trust. I believed what they told me, they made me feel safe and I felt myself begin to fall out of the tight grip my trust issues had me in.

Of course I wasn’t cured over night, trust is still something that takes time and needs to be earned, but even though that short relationship ended, I still learned that I can not only trust someone else, but I can trust myself too.

My original ‘Feeling is Healing‘ post was about healing from sadness and learning that life goes on and inevitably things heal and get better; only now I’d like to add to that sentiment. Things often go well, things can seem like they’re meant for you and make you feel pure happiness, but that doesn’t mean that’s how it will always be, and that’s okay.

Putting your feelings out into the world is scary, and it does help heal them old wounds, but it’s important to remember that if that happiness vanishes one day, that doesn’t mean all the healing leaves too.