Spirituality and Me. Part 2: The Law of Vibration

Recently I have begun reading a book on manifestation; something I’ve only discovered in recent years. A wonderful friend of mine introduced me to it and would often tell me to put things ‘into the universe’ and trust it would come back if it was meant to. We would often waste time at work attempting to manifest a thunderstorm that would cause a power cut that would then enable us to go home early. Needless to say, it never manifested for some reason! Although there was one night, we did hear thunder, however that power cut we wanted so badly never arrived, and we always left work on time.

Having always been a spiritual person, I wonder why I was never introduced to the world of manifestation sooner, but having learned a tad about divine timing too, maybe I was never meant to know about it until now!

I still have a lot of the book left to read, I’m not even halfway through yet, but I am soaking up every word on each page and it’s actually clicking in my brain. It feels as if I’m reading things I’ve known all my life but didn’t know had a name or purpose until now. In particular: the Law of Vibration.

In a nutshell, from what I have read so far, everything vibrates and its own rate. Everything from your cat, that chair you’re sitting on, that co-worker you hate, and that cuddly toy you take to bed! This vibration affects the things you draw into your life, as your vibration attracts things that vibrate at the same rate.

When I read this, it was as if something fell into place in my mind – I’ve always believed this, but I never had the words to explain it! When you click with someone and feel as if you can talk to them forever, or when you get that buzzy feeling from someone you want to get to know or even that strange, bad vibe that stops you from looking someone in the eye – it’s their vibration and it makes perfect sense to me.

If we have a high vibration, we attract good things, however, if we have a low vibration, we attract not-so-good things.

I like to think that I vibrate quite highly. Generally, I like to think I am quite a sunny person, that can be quite confident, and when I radiate them traits I feel the most comfortable. I haven’t always been this way; I think for the majority of my life I have vibrated at a low frequency. I have been bitter, rude, bossy (I still am, but I call I assertive these days), and living in a ‘why me’ mentality. It never felt comfortable, something always felt off.

Over the last ten years of my life, I would like to think I have learned to align my thoughts and feelings to where they are meant to be and in turn vibrate highly.

Despite becoming comfortable with vibrating highly and learning how it attracts things, and people around me, I have also become accustomed to some good, old toxic positivity along the way. I often get my wires crossed and keeping my vibration high becomes “I must be positive all the time or I will attract negative things!” which to put politely, is rubbish!

It’s unnatural to be positive all of the time, and in fact, feeling your feelings, figuring out what they mean, what to do with them and dealing with them in a helpful way, I believe, only adds to a high vibration. But putting it all into practice is exhausting, let me tell you!

The way I see it is like making a cup of tea with different milk – it’s still going to be a cup of tea, the same cup of tea it was always going to be. The milk doesn’t change the tea, it might change the taste slightly, but it’s still a cup of tea that’s going to warm your soul and give you a small caffeine fix. Sadness, like the milk, won’t change your vibration. It will affect how you feel in the present moment, but it won’t change your overall vibe.

I feel as if how you vibrate is your life’s baseline. Emotions and life situations come and go, but as long as your baseline stays intact, and on a level you’re comfortable with, then you’re good to go!

Even though I am still at the beginning of my spiritual journey, I am enjoying soaking up information, and realising the things I’ve known all along have names, and better still, that other people feel them too! (I’m not crazy after all, who knew?) I can’t wait to keep learning, hopefully keep my high vibrations, and, as always, throw any toxic positivity out of the window.


The Blank Space

A friend once told me, “He was just a chapter, not your whole book.” after a relationship I was in had ended. It’s a sentence that has stuck in my mind for many years, and when things come and go, I often find myself thinking about it and just how true it is.

Ironically, the friend that gave me that advice turned out to be a chapter too. She was a part of a lot of chapters in my life’s book, but it just goes to show that even the things in our lives we think are permanent, sometimes still have an end to their chapter after all.

I’ve had many chapters in my life, well, actually, if I think about it maybe I’ve had around six or seven in my nearly thirty years on this planet, which actually doesn’t seem that many! Each chapter is defined by its own time, music, friends, places, boyfriends or guys I had a crush on, clothing, makeup and hairstyles – they all belong to a chapter in my life.

When reading a good book you get consumed by the story and forget there are even small pauses between the chapters, but at the end of each chapter there is a blank space on the page where the words weren’t enough to reach the bottom – and I can’t help but think there’s a small, blank part in life before each new chapter too; I just never noticed until now.

I think I’ve been living in my blank space for a little while now, longer than I have ever done before, which, I dare say, is while I’ve failed to notice it all the other times before.

Slowly over time, the next chapter of my life has been piecing itself together: leaving behind the idea of becoming a counsellor, focusing on writing, attending regular therapy, and dying my hair blonde – it’s all parts of the jigsaw puzzle that make up the start of the next chapter.

Since moving back home to my Mam’s house and out of the house I once shared with my, now ex, fiancé, there are even more puzzle parts slotting into place. The fresh paint on my bedroom walls, the new eye shadow palette shades on my eyelids, and the new perfume I spray on my wrists and neck every day; they’re all a part of the new me, and I’m enjoying getting to know who I am this time around.

That’s not to say I’m not excited for my next chapter to begin. Much like reading a good book, I’m looking forward to turning the page and starting that next part – despite still feeling slightly drained from the chapter just gone. (We’ve all read books like that, right?!) However, it feels as if the pages are stuck together right now and I can’t quite grasp the edge of the paper to turn over and take a look.

For my pages to become unstuck I need to savour the good parts from my last chapters and learn to enjoy this blank part; I’m not going to get another blank part for another while again after this, so I need to bask in the stillness for a little while.

How will I know when my blank space is over, and the new chapter begins? I guess when all of my belongings are under the same roof, when my old home is sold and when I don’t need to listen to Little Mix daily to give me an emotional kick-up-the-bum! When the new parts, or polished old parts, of me are all in place and I feel as if I am finally emotionally recharged.

But until then, I’m alright in my blank space for a while, it’s pretty peaceful and fun being here!

Faith

Every New Year, one of my best friends and her sister choose a word to take into the next year. A word they need, a word they think reflects where they want to go, or just a word they want to bear in mind throughout the new year. Every year my friend posts it on her Facebook, and it makes me think about what word I want to take into the New Year too.

My word for 2021 was ‘be’. I just wanted to be, just live and relax. After having to take a lot of time out in 2020, as we all did, I definitely felt a benefit from just being, relaxing, (or trying to at least) and making much-needed time for me. To not be caught up in the general chaos of life and just be for a moment. I think it’s a mentality that I kept up in 2021 and one that I want to stick with for the rest of my life. I don’t get caught up in the bigger picture a lot these days and I think I successfully just get to be in the present and do whatever I need in the moment.

Which leads me to my word for 2022: Faith.

Faith feels like a religious word, but I don’t mean it in that kind of way; I mean it in a spiritual way. After the mess my life had become over the last two years, after all the trauma I’ve experienced, and learning to just be in the chaos and trauma, I’ve now found I have been able to let go of the life I expected and make space in my mind for a new life; a new life I have faith that I will find, or that will find me.

On New Year’s Eve, I planned to be asleep for the start of the new year. I had been at work all day and I was up early for work the next day too. I was tired and ready to go to sleep by the time 00:00 came around. I laid in bed and heard fireworks bursting into the sky all around me. I pushed the covers off me and crouched on my pillow, pulled back the curtain, and watched my neighbours setting off fireworks, all while hearing the drunken, merry people celebrating at the club at the top of my road.

Watching fireworks light up the sky, I told myself ‘I am exactly where I am supposed to be.’ and I didn’t mean in bed, I meant in life.

I have been led to this time in my life by everything before it, and even though it still feels as if I’m living in a big mess some days, I’m supposed to be in this mess. I’m supposed to be here and I’m supposed to be experiencing this at this exact time. I have faith that I am meant to be exactly where I am.

Honestly, I’m not sure if this is a strange way of me choosing to not deal with what’s going on, but fighting things in life is costing too much of my energy and I’ve learned that I would much rather put that energy toward positivity, than fighting what’s going on.

“Everything happens for a reason” is something I’ve lived by for many years, (Also a topic I will post about soon in another installment of my ‘Spirituality and Me’ series) and I feel like ‘faith’ is an extension of this.

I have faith that I am where I am supposed to be, faith that the people I meet are people I am supposed to meet, conversations I have are conversations I was always meant to have, and what has been could not have been any other way.

Having faith enables me to let go of anger, anxiety, and worry; it lets me just live. What is meant to be, will be and I have faith in that sentiment for 2022 and beyond.

I have faith.

Yours sincerly, my mind.

I know you’re waiting for me, you’re waiting for me to come to visit you. It’s been a while, I know. I’m sorry. You’re waiting for me to tell you your future and let you experience what you’ve begun. I’ll be honest with you, I’m waiting too.

The truth is my mind hasn’t been feeling too good. It feels ill most days, and it’s sometimes hard to put on my creative mind and allow myself to imagine; most days my mind feels like an old, worn-out, item of clothing, or a loved and weathered old teddy bear. I often feel as if it’s time to just throw out my brain and get a new one – if only that was an option!

I know if I was to chuck my brain in the bin, I’d throw you out with it, and that’s not something I want to do. It pains me to imagine not visiting you. I miss you. I need you in my life to function, which is strange to think about, but you help me figure out my own life within your fictional ones.

The most difficult thing about living with the sadness I find myself lumbered with right now, is missing your world. I can’t freely walk through the door and enter as I used to. I would sit down and wander around your world as if it were as real as my own – but when the real world feels slightly surreal, it’s hard to find your feet in another.

My mind feels much like a bicycle with stabilisers on right now, it’s functioning as it should, but only because there are other things around it keeping it upright. If I try to leave my world and enter yours, well I fear my stabilisers will fall off. Their tiny wheels might get stuck in the door frame and I’d fall off and embarrass myself, while breaking the bike at the same time.

It gets lonely over here. Very lonely actually, but I think for once I need to be in the loneliness and not get lost in your world – I think I might have been hiding in your world, which I have adored over the last few years, but did I lose myself in you, to make myself feel better? Yes. I know it would work again, but I think it’s important that I don’t lose myself anywhere right now. Mind, how can I lose myself when I’m already lost to begin with?

I’ll be back, in my mind, in reality, and within your story. I will finish your life story, I will give you the things you want (and the things you most certainly don’t want too, because what kind of writer would I be if I granted all of your wishes?!) and I will release you into the wild, I promise, I just need to get lost in my own reality for a while.

Yours sincerely, my mind.

Not a day goes by when I don’t think about my characters. What I want to write, what I want them to do, and what I still need to do to be able to set my characters free in the minds of others. I find that there is a fine line between depressed and okay, where my writing thrives, but I think I’m too far in the depressed half of the scale right now and I’m finding it difficult.

This is the most I have managed to write in a long time. Just sitting down and not forcing something from my mind, to my fingers, to my page and then to your eyes. It feels quite jarring to feel such difficulty doing something I love so much.

Have you ever tried to open a bottle of bubble bath from a Christmas gift set (Usually a Baylis and Harding one, I’m not going to lie), but the foil part under the lid won’t tear off? So you pull and push until you tear a tiny hole in it and pour from that? Maybe that is a very niche metaphor, but that’s how my mind feels right now. I could pour a metaphorical bottle of bubbles into the bath of my life, but it would take so long to do, and it wouldn’t even really feel worth it in the end, because the bubbles would probably be pitiful anyway.

I am never going to take a break from writing my blog, or attempting to think creatively, because I don’t want to lose it; I need it, but right now, it’s a very slow process.

…this post feels much like a pitiful bath of pathetic bubbles, but it’s about all I can muster from my exhausted mind. My creativity will be awoken again soon, and I will be back to writing blog posts that have some kind of silver-lining conclusion, but I guess the reality is that sometimes things are just a bit rubbish and don’t have a silver-lining; that’s life in all its rubbish-y glory, isn’t it?

The Curse of Being ‘All In’

I am most certainly an all in kind of person. I have always been more selfless than selfish. You need some company? I’m there, even if I’m miles away. Need an arm or a leg? Which one? I’ve got two of each!

Being all in is a big part of my personality and I am this way in all my relationships: my friendships, my family relationships, and my romantic relationships. Growing up I watched both my Mam and my Pop act this way. Both give and gave their entire life to their loved ones and I’ve always idolised them both, which meant I’ve copied their behaviour as I’ve grown up; but at the grand age of 29, I’m starting to realise that this way of living isn’t serving me very well.

I’m all in with everyone else, but I’m never all in with myself, and I think that’s where I’m going wrong. I guilt-trip myself over everything I need or want. I tell myself I don’t need it, then if I actually give in and allow myself what-ever-it-is, then I’ll feel bad for doing so and take away any enjoyment I should get from it.

The only area of my life where I have boundaries and where I am the opposite of all in is when I am at work. Want my extra time? Nope, that’s mine. A customer asks me for something in a rude way? Sorry, we don’t have what you’re asking for. A manager telling me to do five things at once? No, I’ll do one thing at a time. I’m not sure why I can’t be that way in my personal life too.

Being this way serves me well at work, and I dare say it would serve me outside of work too! I know who I am at work, what I want, and what I don’t want, and I stick to them things. If someone asks something of me that I don’t want to do or cannot do, I won’t do it – but in my personal life, if I’m asked to do something I don’t want to do, or cannot do, I’ll do it and feel very angry about it while doing it!

Now listen, this isn’t to say that I don’t sometimes do this at work too, of course I do. Most days I do three people’s jobs and worry about things I shouldn’t be worried about, so I know I’m not perfect, however, I am able to say ‘no’ and mean it more often when at work.

As I write this I can’t understand why I am this way, and why I am different in my personal life from what I am in my working life, however, I know I need to find a way to take my work-way of thinking and trace it into my personal life too.

Being all in rarely brings me happiness, it brings me more bitterness than anything. I end up resenting people around me because they don’t provide me with the same amount of all in as I provide them with. Really, I should respect their boundaries and appreciate what they offer me, even if it is less than I offer them.

It’s exhausting giving my entire being to everyone else at all times, I know it’s not natural, and I’m realising now that I need to change. Instead of being all in, I need to be maybe 90% in, or 80% instead. If something gives me feel that uncomfortable feeling in my stomach, or if I think ‘Well, I don’t really want to do that.’ I need to start listening to them feelings.

I tell people around me quite often that it’s okay to let others down sometimes, you need time for yourself and do what makes you happy – but then I fall short of what I need… I need to start taking my own advice!

It’s okay to say no; in fact, it’s essential to say no sometimes. After all these years of bending over backward for everyone, and giving my life to those around me, I think it’s about time I say no sometimes and live my life for me.

It’s going to feel uncomfortable for both myself and those around me when I begin implementing my boundaries, because I know people will push them, and I’m going to want to let them, but I can’t keep living this way.

Something needs to change, and that something is me.

Indulge in Nothingness.

My world is loud. Too loud sometimes. Both externally and internally, and it often gets too much.

Being busy every day creates a very loud world: The hustle and bustle of people, and music while I shop. Screaming children, cages and pallets rolling by, and callouts being shouted over the tannoy while I’m at work. The washing machine chugging on in the other room while at home, or my loud music playing while I drive – it’s all very loud whether I chose it to be or not.

I like busy, and really, I don’t mind loud, but it’s always been something that can easily overwhelm me. If I don’t take a break from it, it becomes too much, but knowing I need a break isn’t as easy as it sounds. I’ll often have a feeling of something not being right in my chest, and my hands and arms might feel a bit tense or twitchy. I won’t be able to get comfortable in my seat and I know then it’s time to turn off the world and take a breather.

In between work, seeing family and friends, and moving out, I haven’t had much time for nothingness recently, so I told myself, “Today is a day off from the world.” I lay on the sofa, scrolling TikTok, while Friends plays on the TV in the background. I had the dishwasher and clothes washer on in the next room and I began to feel that sense of ‘too much’ wash over me. This wasn’t feeling like the day off I needed, although it looks and sounds like a day off, it was all still too loud to count as a day off for my mind.

When I was growing up I lived in a house with an open fire in the living room. In hindsight it was lovely to sit near, feel the warmth and hear its noises; but in reality, it was the only heating we had, and so being sat as close as possible to it was the only way to get warm. Despite it being a necessity back then, the sound of a fire crackling always brings me such peace.

My go-to video on YouTube is a ten-hour video of an open fire. It looks much like the one we had in our house, apart from ours had big lions beside it. Hearing the crackles, pops, and the sound of the wood shifting as it slowly burns takes me back to a much simpler (and much colder) time. Sure, times were still hard back then, but they were much easier than now, and I had a lot more time where my mind was empty back then, rather than it being full like now.

In a desperate need to empty my mind, I turned off Friends, put on YouTube, and pressed play on my comfort video instead. I put down my phone and lay on the sofa, watching the rain trickle down the window; another of my favourite things.

Rain has always made me feel safe. I remember being in my pushchair as a small child and having the rain cover over me; the sound the rain made as it dripped on the plastic was a comfort, and I get the same feeling hearing raindrops on an umbrella as an adult. I feel an odd comfort from the rain in that it creates something between myself and others, kind of like a strange wall that separates me from the rest of the world. Which at this moment, is another thing I need.

A video of a fire crackling on the TV, and the sound of rain tapping on the window, as I watch the raindrops run down the glass, allows me the time I need to empty my mind.

There is nothing I love more than having the time to just be, and have my mind be as empty as it can be. My favourite time of the day is that time after getting into bed and closing your eyes, but before you actually fall asleep. It’s nothingness time and I love that feeling. It feels like a blank part in the page of the day where I can plan the next day, conclude the day I just had, or just lay and allow my thoughts to do their own thing.

I think in the busy time I am currently living in, I need to make more time for nothing and allow my mind to tip itself up and be empty for a while. No phone, no social media, no music – nothing but peace and comfort; which are two things I need the most.

We all need a bit more peace in our lives, no matter how full or empty our lives might feel in the moment, a little time for nothing is sometimes all we need. I genuinely think that doing nothing doesn’t get enough credit. I know I sometimes feel guilty for doing nothing, but you know, let’s just forget about what the clock says, what notification just popped up on our phones, or if that load of washing has spent a little too long waiting to come out of the washer – let’s just take a break and indulge in some nothingness instead, even if only for ten minutes or so.

Life With No Plans

If there’s one thing I love in life, it’s a plan. Whether it’s what my day looks like, a coffee date with a friend on my calendar, or a life plan, like to have children or get married.

Plans help me feel as if I have some kind of control in my life, but what I’m realising as I get older is that plans really don’t mean all that much. I can set my heart on something happening, but just because I plan for it doesn’t mean it will go to plan, go well, or that it will happen at all.

If you have read any of my other posts over the last year, you will know that nothing in my life has gone to plan recently. So, naturally, I’ve lost all hope in plans, and I am trying to adapt to the idea of having a ‘no plan’ lifestyle.

As Kourtney Kardashian would say, I’m just ‘living life’.

The thing is, I have never just lived life. I’ve always had hopes, dreams, aspirations, and most of all plans. I’ve built my life around some kind of structure that’s made out of dreams and plans; only the dreams and plans weren’t built of stuff strong enough to hold my life apparently.

Right now, in life, I feel much like a blob with no structure at all. In my mind, I resemble a piece of old, flattened Play Dough or something.

Once again, recently I’ve found my life completely changed as I am now planning to move out of my home and back home to my Mam after going through a breakup with the man I was engaged to. I had a plan. I was going to marry him, have more children and live in our house that we bought together; but I guess life had different plans to mine.

After every plan I’ve ever made being shattered into pieces over the last few years, I’ve officially given up on plans. Well, big plans anyway, I obviously still feel the need to micromanage my days, but as far as life plans go – I’m done.

Plans give me hope and help me feel as if I have some kind of control, but I’m starting to understand that I actually have no control these days!

I, therefore, have no choice other than to just ‘live life’ with no structure or plan and although it feels scary, I’m slowly getting on board with it. The spiritual side of me keeps reminding me that it’s all for a reason, and it will all become clear one day, but the unknown is terrifying to me.

When I was a child, my family would make annual trips to Flamingo Land in the summer. I remember us parking in the car park and taking the walk to the entrance; hearing all the rides and the screams coming from people on them, the music playing loud, and the smell of food was pure happiness and excitement – that’s what looking into my future once left like.

Now, it looks less like a fun theme park and more like one of them houses on Homes Under The Hammer. It has damp on the walls, the ceiling is falling down, tiles are cracked and the wallpaper peeling from the walls. It’s all shabby and definitely not in the chic way!

After all the life plans I’ve had that have flown out the window over the years, you would think I would be used to starting over by now, but I’m really not. It feels as if I just get back on my feet from one thing and whoosh something else comes and takes my feet from under me again.

Despite having done it many times, there’s nothing that scares me more than starting again. I acknowledge, however, that much like the houses on Homes Under The Hammer, I just need a bit of work and I’ll be up and running again (total metaphor – I don’t run anywhere!) The idea just feels a million miles away right now.

My only plan right now, and for the foreseeable future, is to have no plans (A bit of an oxymoron, I know) I will allow life to happen as it wants to, as I get back in my boat and push off into another stream of life and see where it takes me. I didn’t bring any oars, so casting off could be a mistake, but in the name of having no plans – let’s see where I go.

Be Who You Need

“Be the person you needed when you were younger.”

It’s a powerful quote I see float around on the internet quite often; a quote I once found empowering. A quote that, at one time, fit in my soul like a perfectly measured puzzle piece. But as they do, my life and soul have changed shape over the years, and that quote no longer has a place in me – if anything, it feels uncomfortable to look at now.

See, I always read it as ‘If I can be the help I needed, help someone like my past self, it will help to fix me. I will feel better.’ Fixing myself while fixing others? Isn’t that a great plan!

I based a large chunk of my adulthood on this. I wanted to be a school counsellor to fix the part of me that needed help in school. I stayed in relationships and friendships far longer than I should because I needed someone to be there for me, so I was there for them. I never felt as if I had anyone looking out for me, and so I’ve spent most of my life looking out for others and speaking up for them in a way I wished someone had spoken up for me. “Be who you needed…” right? But what about being who you need right now? 

I think some of us (myself very much included) sometimes become focused on the past, and sometimes future, versions of themselves. It was only today I moved a box in my office and out fell an envelope addressed to me, from me, with ‘Open on 21/11/21’ scrawled on it. A letter I wrote to my ‘future self’ last year. Even though I’m looking forward to reading it, I think it proves a point – I am constantly thinking about versions of myself in other times and neglecting the me I’m sitting with right now.

(I know, it all sounds a bit bizarre – but you should know me by now!)

Thinking about my past self often gives me the strength to do things, and it can even make me that bit more grateful for the things I do have. I imagine telling her about things and what her reaction would be, but the point I miss is that I don’t have to imagine telling her: I am her!

I feel as if I have three separate versions of myself and they all do different things for one another, but in the moment, no one thinks about themselves, and to put it politely – I’m over it!

It doesn’t matter what I wanted in the past, or if my life wasn’t as I wanted it, it’s in the past and it cannot be changed; no matter what I do! I could study, and help people, I can give my time to people in a way I wish they would give time to me, but it makes no difference at all to my past, and I can’t help but think: if it doesn’t help present me and if I don’t benefit from it, then why should I do it at all?

My future self on the other hand – I put a lot of expectations on her shoulders. Expectations and weight that I could never hold up right now! I expect her to work a lot, have a published book or two (or four if I’m totally honest!), to have children and a husband, and a perfect home life. But in my present life isn’t that way at all; if I work too much I push myself to burn out (which is very easy to do when you don’t have much to give in the first place), I barely have the time to scribble down an idea for a blog post every week and write it, never mind write and edit my stories or send things away to publishers or agents! And as for a perfect household, I know nothing of such exists!

I’m beginning to see that I wrap my past self up in cotton wool, and live my life hoping she’s happy, and I can’t help but think if I did less for the version of me who is gone, and more for myself now, then maybe I could get to be the version of myself I want in the future.

Maybe if I’m fairer on myself now, then I can give my future self a chance, and take some of the expectations and judgement off her shoulders. If I make the time to do whatever me right now needs (Even if that is just making sure I watch The Great British Bake Off every week) I feel as if when I am future me, I won’t look back and feel sorrow for a version of me that never reached he full potential; I’ll instead look back and know that who I needed in that moment, was exactly who I was.

Because from now on, that’s all I aspire to be anymore: who I need right now. Sod me in the past, she had her time! I want to live life for me.

…and about time too!

Spirituality and Me. Part 1: Ghosts. 

If there’s one thing I love to talk about, it’s all things spiritual! Ghosts, past lives, the afterlife, tarot, premonitions… need I go on? So, I thought I would begin a series of spiritual blogs here on my website! I am never going to move away from talking about my life and mental health, but spirituality is also a big part of my life, so I only seems fair to dedicate a bit of space over here to that, right?

Spirituality is something that’s came to me with time. As I’ve grown older, I’ve only became more spiritual and it is something that takes up a lot of my mind, a lot of the time.

So, where did it all begin?

It all began with ghosts! A bit of a strange one, ghosts, isn’t it? I’m a very big believer in ghosts and the afterlife, but I’m also a pretty big sceptic. I like to think there’s a logical explanation behind a lot of things, ghost-wise anyway, but it’s the moments that have no explanation that interest me.

When I was young, I lived in a village that was built to house ironstone minors in the late 1800’s/early 1900’s (History has never been my strong point, but I’m pretty sure it was around that time) The village was idyllic; from the front window there was a view of allotments, a field that sometimes had sheep in, stables and horses and beyond that there was the woods. From the back window there were more fields, and in the distance, you could even see the sea! It was amazing, apart from the cold and the terrible winters anyway.

Living in an old house meant unexplainable things often happened, which went on to cement my belief in spirits living among us. Nothing ever scared me living there (Apart from one situation I’ll get to later) it was all more of a head scratch moment you witness, fail to understand and move on. I think due to horror films we expect ghosts to be aggressive, push you around, drag you up the stairs backwards and other such terrifying things; but I always found they’re just living their lives (Or living their afterlives) just like you and I.

I remember one moment in particular, I was sat at my dressing table getting ready for the day, and I looked to my door in time to see the dressing gown that hung from the corner of my door moved, as if something brushed past it on the way in. Of course, no one was there, and although it was a pretty draughty house – it didn’t move in a way a breeze would move a piece of fabric, and it never happened again, despite my dressing gown always being hung in the same position.

Another night I remember watching an orb dance around a box on my bedroom floor; I’ll never forget how it moved; it was almost fluid in the air. It gave off its own light and vanished like turning out a light by a dimmer switch. At the time I told myself it was probably light from a car passing by, but it never happened again – another headscratcher to add to the collection.

My most alarming experience in that house was when I one day woke up to find woman sat at my desk! I know most people won’t believe me, and that’s okay – I wouldn’t have believed it had I not seen it myself! I sat up in my bunkbed, ready to go downstairs for breakfast, and looked across my room to my desk to see someone sat on the chair. It was a female, and she looked real. I couldn’t see through her, I couldn’t see her features, but I could see her long, straight, hair, down past her shoulders.

I quickly laid backdown in bed in a panic, wondering how I was to get out of bed – I closed my eyes, shuffled down to the bottom of the bed, and jumped from my top bunk and ran downstairs. I never told anyone downstairs about what I had saw until many years later; I felt embarrassed, I obviously must have been mistaken? When I went back upstairs no one was there, no shadow that I could have mistaken for a woman either, just an empty seat at a messy desk.

Even some twenty years later I refuse to have a seat of any kind in my bedroom for this reason, it still frightens me.

Having experienced these things at such a young age and spending a lot of time wondering about the afterlife, and what ghosts may or may not be living in my childhood home, only lead me to wonder, what else is there and what does it mean to me?

You Are The Process

Most nights I dream. Often, I have multiple dreams and my poor boyfriend hears all about them the next morning. I even downloaded an app to keep a track of them all as they’re usually pretty bizarre; it makes you wonder where in the depths of your brain these mini, night time, movies come from!

A couple of nights ago I had a dream I was in a small living room, watching an old television, you know the glass kind with buttons and knobs. I had sat down to watch a new show people had been telling me about; there was a big hype about it. In waking life I’m not bothered about the TV, but clearly in my sleep, I love it!

I sat on a comfy sofa waiting for it to start and I realised I recognised the people on the TV – they were characters from my novel! But the show wasn’t about them, or my story, it was instead about them being lost.

Aimee and her best friend Leon were stood in a shop, people rushed around them while they stood still and confused. They wanted to be some where, but they weren’t sure how to get there.

There was another woman in the scene who Aimee and Leon were asking for advice. She told them:

“I’m not sure what’s happening, we’re missing someone; someone who knows what’s meant to be happening.”

Watching it on the screen, I sat forward on my chair as excitement filled my chest, “It’s me!” I shouted at the TV. “I’m the one that’s missing! It’s me!” As I shouted, I closed my eyes and when I opened them, I was stood in the TV show with them.

I took charge and told them what was going on, where they needed to be, and now I could see beyond the screen I saw other characters too! And the lady who knew someone was missing was now stood back watching us with a smile on her face.

I felt so secure and like I knew what was going on, and then I woke up.

Waking from my dream, I had that suspicious feeling that I had too much sleep, and I was right – I had slept in! I rushed out of bed and went on to have a stressful time at work, and in the chaos, I had half-forgotten about the dream. However, that feeling in my chest, when I shouted “It’s me! I’m missing!” lingered with me all day.

Over the years I’ve become very interested in my dreams and as the little, spiritual person I am, I often reflect on my dreams and attempt to decipher some kind of meaning from them.

The more I have thought about it, the more I agree with the unknown lady in my dream; someone is missing from my characters world, and it is me!

I’ve recently lost touch with what I want to do with my novel, and I have left it on a back burner thinking, ‘I’ll do that at some point. I’ll sort that out another time.’ And I can almost feel my characters laying within the pages looking at each other, much like Aimee and Leon were in the TV show, thinking “Well, what do we do now? We just sit here?”

I like to think I’m a hardworking person, but I think sometimes my work is misplaced in meaningless and thankless work, rather then pouring it into what I love and what I want to do.

Why am I watching the TV and waiting for something to happen, when I can make it happen?

That one random dream has given me so much to think about and has reminded me where I should be placing my hopes and dreams, and that actually, if you want to do something you just have to go do it! It can’t be done without you – you are essential to the process.

You ARE the process.